It’s Saturday May 14th 2016, 1pm and partly cloudy with a slight chance of rain and thunder. While everybody else is enjoying their complementary lunch (!), some nerds and suckers for attention (me), are gathering at the Stage next to the foyer to hear the results from the sketching part of the TypeCooker™-Workshop the day prior.

This Panopticum of strangely happy masochists can’t wait to be put in place by the world famous Dutch type designers, teachers, deep-fried food enthusiasts and hobby comedians Erik van Blokland and Paul van der Laan. The procedure is simple: on Friday, the first part of the workshop, the cooks Erik and Paul explain the different ingredients and how to make funny tasting combinations. (You might be asking, “Hey, haven’t all these cook references already been made since this is an annual thing?” — Dear reader, of course all food related puns have been made before. But first of all; don’t interrupt me while you are reading this. That’s super rude. And secondly, I’m not being paid to be original. Keep reading!)
In type words; the handling of the different parameters like weight, width, contrast, construction, serifs or no serifs, specialties and all the other funny stuff the TypeCooker™ (patent pending) spits out, are explained by examples.

 

But back to the present day. The time to correct your curves, get your ink traps in order (2016’s USP), or anything that could spare you from the cruel words of humiliation that will haunt your dreams has passed. It’s judgement day.

The house is packed, people are sitting on the floor or steps. Right before the start, Yves P. sits down two seats next to me and bawls, “Best part of TYPO! WHROOO WHROOOO!!!” *indefinable barking sounds*. — They don’t even know what will hit them. God have mercy!
The charismatic type geeks Erik and Paul / Paul and Erik (not to play favourites), sit down and get right to business. Obvious mistakes are pointed out; bad spacing, uneven stroke weight, lack of rhythm, and “why the hell is this monospaced?”. It didn’t say so in the recipe they pointed out. “Amateur!”

 

 

Initial laughter turns into silence. Scissors are taken into action, white-out is being used everywhere, lower case Rs are being ripped apart and / or Ns are being slaughtered in a disproportional way before the audience’s eyes. All the while, Erik keeps saying, “Are we improving this?” No. Obviously not. There is no way. It was a failure by design all along. Not even Paul’s Spinal Tap reference (something to do with eleven) is able to catch anyone’s laughter. It’s official: this is not the place of happiness as expected. This is a slow and painful death of motivation and spirit.

 

The overgrown Dutchmen keep murdering sketches and hope, while time seems to stand still. Finally, after four hours, the TypeCooker™-Correction-Time came to an end, just as most of the “designer’s” work life expectancies. All that’s left is a massacre of paper, marker, white-out, sweat and spit. But it’s over. While the definite smell of fear and defeat is still hanging from the ceiling, the crying sounds in the background are slowly starting to fade away.
Some of us made it. Some didn’t. It’s natural selection they say.

 

See you next year! You better be prepared!

 

Written by Philipp Neumeyer•